This time round I have stepped out of my normal sphere and gone for something completely different. I had read part of this book years ago when I did my "Introduction to Teaching" course but decided it would be worth going back to it to give it a bit more attention.
I will not be putting up spoilers for this one as there is no real plot to reveal so am going to dive right in!
Games people play - Eric Berne, M.D.
The subtitle for this one sort of gives you a better idea of what the book is about: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Don't fret it's not a book that is filled with a deep and meaningful babbling analysis of the human race and the relationships humans have developed with one another.
The way I see it it basically boils down to this: people have a need to interact with one another and there is a certain structure to how this happens. This is itself should come as no surprise to any human being but what I like about how Berne approaches the subject is the way he analyses these relationships and structures.
According to Berne each individual has three ego states: Parent, Adult and Child. In short "Everyone carries his parents around inside of him, ... Everyone has an adult, ... Everyone carries a little boy or girl inside him.". The Child has the qualities of intuition, creativity and spontaneous drive en enjoyment of life. The Adult in each of us is busy with processing data and computing probabilities so we can deal effectively with the outside world (how far away i that car and is it okay for me to cross the road?). Our Parent allows us to be effective parents and takes care of routine matters in our lives (things get done because that's the way things are done). So what?!... I hear you say. Well... when we interact with one another we can do this on any of these three levels sometimes this works sometimes it does not. A question can provoke different reactions in different people. Both the person who asks the question as well as the person that responds will react from a certain perspective (Adult, Parent or Child).
To the normal Adult question: Do you know where my cuff links are?
The Adult response would be: On the desk
The Child response would be: Why don't you keep track of your own things? You're not a child any more.
The first respondent sees the question for what it is - a request for information on the location of the cuff links and responds from his adult state of mind by saying where the cuff links are. The second respondent see the question as an example of the questioner's incompetence to take care of his own stuff and the response implies that it is not the first time this has happened. It implies criticism of the behaviour and the finger of blame is firmly being pointed, like a parent criticising a child. Basically, as long as people react on the same level with one another then there are no issues. As soon as people switch roles in their responses problems arise and doors start slamming. People may say something at one level but the underlying motive of the question/remark is totally different. Example: Flirtation is not what it seems.
Person A says: Come and see the barn
B replies: I've loved barns ever since I was a little girl
See... innocent enough as two statements about barns, however, what they are really saying is:
A: wanna go and have some fun in the barn?
B: I'd love to go and have some fun with you in the barn!
When people play the Games that Berne mentions this is exactly what happens. People have conversations but there is always an ulterior motive in their question or behaviour, people do not play fair! The Games consist of a certain series of interactions, responses and behaviours
and can be divided into various categories, most of them are sort of self explanatory and easily recognisable.
Life Games
Alcoholic
Debtor
Kick Me
Now I've got you you son of a bitch
Marital Games
Corner
Courtroom
Frigid Woman
Harried
If it weren't for you
Look how hard I've tried
Sweetheart
Party Games
Ain't it awful
Blemish
Schlemiel
Why don't you - Yes but
Sexual Games
Let's you and him fight
Perversion
Rapo
The stocking game
Uproar
Underworld Games
Cops and robbers
How do you get out of here
Let's pull a fast one on Joey
Consulting Room Games
Greenhouse
I'm only trying to help you
Indigence
Peasant
Psychiatry
Stupid
Wooden Leg
Most people will know (or have played) at least one of these games without me even going into any big explanations of them. Anyone will recognise these games as having been played with them at one point of time or another... and that is the great thing about this book. It seems a very simple premise to look at the roles that people give themselves and sees if there is any structure to how people interact in these roles.
I am not going to go into all the games and all the roles here as that would take up way too much space. Let me just say that when you read through the games, look at the people around you (your colleagues, friends and family) you will see more clearly how you interact with them and they interact with you. You might be able to see how some interesting relationships have developed over the years and what your role is in them. Depending on how you feel about being in that role there is always the option to go and change your role but beware that this will impact the other people involved in your game(s) as well!
Needless to say people do not continuously play games and not all people play games to the same extent or degree but it is still fascinating to see how much familiarity there is in many of them and it makes you stop and think on how the human mind works. It made me think about how I interact with some people and how people around me work and interact with me.
A wise man once said "Knowledge is power" and knowledge about yourself is always a good thing.
Title: Games People Play
Author: Eric Berne M.D.
164 pages
Penguin Books
ISBN nr 978-0-14-002768-6
Books bought: 0
Books to be read: 69
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